i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
