I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
