So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
