i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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