508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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