Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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