Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
