"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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