Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
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i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
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People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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