I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
