Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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