: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
