I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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