It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
