the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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