and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
