OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
