I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
