Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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