be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
