Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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