Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
smell my finger.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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