frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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