I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
