The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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