I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
