i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
