Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
