Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's not a walk of shame if you run
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
