Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm too high and old for this...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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