yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
