as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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