Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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