so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
