I just cut my nipple shaving
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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