RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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