I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I love you. Go after that dick
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
