She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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