Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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