Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
