He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
