my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
