these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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