the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Pants are for mortals
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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