last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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