I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
