apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
