I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
