i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
