Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
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I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
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He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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