Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I faked an abortion last night.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Randomize
