I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
