I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
