your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
