The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
