Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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