you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
