this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
